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by Liam Otero (7th)

Breaking news! Just moments ago, a 6-year-old named Tommy Bingle broke the record for the fastest being in the universe after consuming five whole jars of M&M’s. (Wait, what? He’s done it again? Seven million times?!?!?) Let’s dive into how this happened. I’m Liam Otero, and this is *The Daily Scoop*!

Meet Tommy Bingle: a 6-year-old with average grades, a huge love for video games, and a passion for Halloween. Unfortunately for Tommy, he was diagnosed with ADHD, which meant he wasn't allowed much candy on Halloween (Boo!).

One evening, while Tommy was playing with his friends, Dingle and Pringle, they noticed five jars filled with M&M’s. Dingle dared Tommy to eat all five jars and wash them down with a giant-sized Gatorade. At first, Tommy wasn’t interested, but after some peer pressure (cough *blackmail* cough), Tommy gave in.

Tommy devoured every last M&M and, despite feeling like he might throw up, he powered through. He drank the entire Double XL-sized Gatorade. Then, something crazy happened—his sugar levels skyrocketed, giving him more energy than Sonic the Hedgehog!

Tommy zoomed around the house, eating every last piece of candy he could find. Fueled by the sugar rush, he decided to see the moon. In a matter of seconds, Tommy built a spaceship out of his house and blasted off, breaking every space travel record ever.

But Tommy wasn’t done. He ran so fast that he reached Pluto in the blink of an eye. Then, he ran faster than anyone ever thought possible—so fast he traveled back to the Big Bang! It’s said that Tommy will be running through the universe for another billion years before his sugar rush wears off.

Efforts to bring Tommy back have failed. He’s just too fast! (Crash—what was that? Tommy Bingle! Wait, hey! Give that back!) YOU’RE TOO SLOW! GOTTA GO FAST! (Runs off in a millisecond.)

Well, that’s all for today. Like Tommy, enjoy your candy! You never know—you might be the next fastest person in the universe.