by Maeve O'Connell (8th)

Hello and well met, readers of the beloved Artichoke, which is making its grand return to the Scoop. 

I even googled that so that I could sound extra obnoxious, I know, I know, I’m just that great. 

Anyway, I have a final report on our latest study that we can actually share with the public. (I still maintain that I had no part in the failure of the last one. The hamsters learned how to pick locks on their own, I promise.) And all of these failed studies are the reason for the Artichoke’s unfortunate absence.

After planting mind-reading devices of totally willing test subjects on New Year's Eve, we monitored their thoughts for several weeks in relation to their New Year's Resolutions. They all started off with very choice words for people who I totally don’t know who planted these devices in their heads.

But that’s not important.

They all planned their various goals for 2025, and we have several cautionary pieces on what happens when you try to actually carry out your New Year’s Resolution.

1. Work harder in school: This one was made by a high school freshman who wanted to do better in their classes, little did they know, their success would be dangerous. Here is the lab report: 

While working on their homework one day, Test Subject X12 exhibited signs of concentration, quickly followed by immediate loss of consciousness. They informed us after they regained consciousness that they had, “been thinking,” and we quickly had to remind them that thinking is dangerous. This is a concept that everyone is aware of, thinking forces you to utilize those dusty old brain cells, and overexerting these unused brain cells can cause temporary loss of consciousness. Facts, y’all. No cap. 

2. Exercise more: This resolution was made by a middle aged man, who decided that he wanted to get more exercise this year. They never learn, do they? 

When going for a run one day, Test Subject X72’s neighbor thought that Test Subject X72 was running from something. After calling the police, the neighbor ran after Test Subject X72, and learned that they were simply going for a run. Oh well. 

3. In a similar situation to Test Subject X72’s, Test Subject H97 decided to take up a new sport. Naturally, the sport that they decided to choose was ski jumping. 

After never having tried skiing before, Test Subject H97 went to their nearest friendly neighborhood ski jumping mountain at XXXXXXX, where they proceeded to descend the jump at startling speeds, and promptly hurtled off the ramp without having learned anything about ski jumping and how to do it. XXXXXXX is is currently being investigated after Test Subject H97 broke 12 bones. 

4. After resolving the “travel more,” Test Subject A33 immediately turned their thoughts to a perfectly low-key vacation destination: Mars, obviously. 

Although we weren’t present for the event, because our reporters have some sense of self-preservation, our account of the journey was described by Test Subject A33 was as follows:

“I like, was forced to put on this weird suit thing, and then, like, they put me in this not very preppy helmet. Then they, like, went in a rocket and told me to come, so I was all like, ‘Sure!’ and then there was, like, no legit no gravity. And then, like 5 minutes later we landed on Mars and we went out and I stepped on Mars and walked around and looked at some vacation homes. I put in an offer for one of them and then we just, like, left. It was really boring, I’m going to Florida next time”

All of that is 100% true. 

5. Test Subject Q17 chose the most extreme of hobbies to take up for 2025, Extreme Ironing. This is a totally real thing, Google it, I dare you. 

Deciding to take up a new hobby, Test Subject Q17 realized that there was only one that offered the proper thrill. They hiked to the top of their friendly neighborhood mountain Mt. Everest and took a new meaning to the word “extreme.” After making it to the top (who knows how?) Test Subject Q17 pulled out their ironing board and their iron and left for a couple minutes for the iron to heat up. In this time, the iron burned through the ironing Board, along with all of Test Subject Q17’s hiking equipment. They had to be airlifted by our private Artichoke helicopter. 

All of the information on Extreme Ironing is attributed to the most reliable source on the internet: Wikipedia.

All of these totally true stories of unsuccessful New Year's Resolutions that have gone wrong between January when they were made, and now should do their job in convincing you that goals are obviously futile. Failure is the only way they end. I refuse to believe any stories you have about people who took up any perfectly ordinary hobbies and are knitting their grandchildren scarves, because nobody does that. Ridiculous.