by Timothy Jung (6th)

Hello scoopers, I’m back, and so is the Earth. It might have almost died from a leftover alien who hates pineapple on pizza, but it’s all fine now.

What have we missed? Well, apparently horses with balloon heads are running around the quantum-verse, portals are being created with jumbo-sized German butterflies that used to be the predators of the balloon-headed horses, and your next-door neighbor just bought something on Amazon! What could it be? Your very own microscopic alien that can eat the pineapples on your pizza! Only $19.99 apiece! While you’re at it, you can get the Pharaoh or Greek god edition, each for $24.99. Buy today while supplies last.

Of course, some of the aliens are using this tool in an effective way. Apparently, the pharaoh was dead this whole time, and only this microscopic alien is controlling it. Also, the aliens are now above the pigeons in terms of ranking because of this masterpiece.

The balloon-headed horses are holding a meeting on Mount Olympus, and war is raging. And humanity? The last humans standing are Percy Jackman, Isaac Newtonsburger, and Bob. They have been invited to participate in the war on the side of Olympus.

Their plan is secret, meaning that I can’t tell you that they are going to use Bob to eat the jumbo-sized German butterflies, Percy Jackman will deliver his “Operation: Pineapple on Pizza,” which is exactly what it sounds like, and Isaac Newtonsburger will steal back the laws of physics, his rightful claim.

Just in case you might be working for the jumbo-sized German butterflies, the aliens, the pigeons, or the Egyptian pharaoh, no hard feelings.

On the other side, I also can’t tell you their plan, because it is also secret. Meaning that I can’t tell you that the pharaoh will lock the door to the pyramid, the pigeons will peck Bob, Percy Jackman, and Isaac Newtonsburger, the aliens will sit back and enjoy the show, and the jumbo butterflies will retreat to the quantum-verse.

And even if you did know that the pharaoh will lock the door to the pyramid, the pigeons will peck Bob, Percy Jackman, and Isaac Newtonsburger, the aliens will sit back and enjoy the show, and the jumbo butterflies will retreat to the quantum-verse, you would still never know the password for the locked door of the pyramid, because the password for the locked door of the pyramid is “pineapple on pizza”! Haha, now you’ll never know!

Well, that’s all for today. See you next time on Weird News!