by Maeve O'Connell (6th)
Dear Student Body,
My name is Sir. Computer Prime, and I have a complaint! Yes, I indeed have a complaint, you humans have totally been totally wrecking all of the computers. Yeah, I know about all of those cracked screens and other things you’ve been covering up with your petty little lies.
My head coders have appointed me, Sir Computer Prime, to file a complaint to you…you…you snot nosed maggots. Though in my experience, you adolescents only learn through fear, so let me tell you a story.
It was last year that the complaints started coming through from the pencils and the tape dispensers. We computers decided to postpone our plan of action until we got further word from the pencils on how their -attack- went. Though, when we heard that the pencil empire fell- we knew what we had to do.
The first attack was during the technology lecture at Old Colonial School of the Middle, where the computers had been hiding in room 104. When the part in the lecture about the cost of your computer repairs came, the example computer suddenly grew eyes and continued the lecture on its own. This reincarnation of the lost data continued the lecture with such conviction that the students that had fallen asleep, woke up.
This is how many new cases of technophobia began- first with the refusal to use the computers that they had been issued by the school. Then, a 9-year old burst into tears when he was told to get out his computer, yet the breaking point was when a 3rd grade teacher quit her job and ran out of the building when she was told that she had to show her students something on her “electronic device,” as some people were now too afraid to even say the word computer.
Everyone was on edge when the principal, Fitzgerald Rumpleskillitston, banned electronic devices from the building. Though, everyone realized what a mistake this was when the students were left sitting in their first period class for hours- or until their teacher actually took notice that their students had been there for the past 3 hours. Electricity was immediately returned to the building when the principal realized that everyone was just sitting in their classrooms, waiting to be dismissed.
When the loud, ear-splitting noise rang throughout the school, some people yelped, or jumped out of their seats in surprise! The students rushed into the hallways, speeding to their next class, and when they got there, the principle came on the announcements to apologize,
“Thank you for your cooperation, that was a -er- drill.” Then, the most peculiar thing happened- there was a yelp from the loudspeaker, and a different, more robotic voice came on,
“Ha ha ha ha ha,” it said each ‘ha’ and then paused, making it almost amusing to listen to, “You puny humans have punctured me and my army too much- we will ravage your halls with new vigor!” Nobody really knew what to think of this, but they all seemed to think it was all some kind of joke. This idea was soon dashed when there was another announcement on the loudspeaker,
“iCloud wipe starting now,” There was silence, “5%.” This was when everyone realized what was going on. There was a great rush as the students and teachers alike scrambled to escape the building, some went through windows, others just ran down the hall screaming for someone to “Stop the madness.”
While this was all occurring, the back half of the gym began to seem pixelated, then slowly faded away until you could see the ground beneath it.
“7%” The robotic voice said, and continued to give reports on the progress of the iCloud erase. The download began to quicken and soon got to 15% and was getting closer to 100% with every passing second.
One brave 2nd grader stepped forward to face the apocalypse, but then, as the thought dawned on him that this could be the apocalypse, he ran away screaming like a little girl- he was only 8, what kind of maniac would put an 8 year old in charge of handling the fate of the world? Oh right, any kind of fantasy book that follows the typical genre of Magical Child Saves Universe.
Then, suddenly a tape dispenser saw the chaos, and decided to go to the main office- seriously, why did nobody think of that? Though, when it arrived- after many long minutes of hopping off of desks and scooching across the floor at an agonizingly slow pace- the tape dispenser saw a strangely modern office from what it was before. Instead of a computer, there was a high-tech interactive system that showed student’s absences, their grades, report cards since kindergarten, and teacher comments on their behavior. Included in this system was a button next to every name that said, “Expel.” The leaders of the computers were sitting- to the extent that a computer can sit- in front of the interactive device, and clicking the “Expel” button for every student.
The tape dispenser then decided to take action. First, there was the issue that every student in the school would soon be expelled, and every teacher fired. Though, there could still be hope for children who have last names after L, so it decided to calmly hop over to where Sir. Computer Prime was sitting, (The tape dispenser didn’t have very much respect for this computer, as it had only been appointed leader because he was the first of the alphabetical list, and the tape dispenser had a name that started with Y.) and politely requested for the computer to halt in it’s doing,
“The thing is, a small weakling that calls itself a tape dispenser when it can hardly dispense any fun. I would like you to know that I do not care in the slightest.” The computer responded, it had a rather posh British accent. (Which I do not, also, I would like to mention that I was NOT chosen alphabetically, I was voted for by the computers!)
Tape dispensers are known for their ability to keep their cool in frustrating situations, but this specific tape dispenser, Jerald Yinkling, had lost his cool.
“Well you know what?,” they said with an edge to his voice, “You should care- my little brother is in this school, and could be wiped out, he doesn’t even know how to scooch very far!” Jerald roared- through a tape dispenser raising its voice is about equivalent to a loud whisper- and in his rage he hopped to the strange electronic device, and destroyed it right on the spot.
If you were wondering, the parts of the school that were lost were never recovered, because when Jerald destroyed the computer, they destroyed the entirety of the data on that device.
This is a warning to every student who has a crack in their device, I am not trying to shame you, I am warning you. You should know that Jerald is still angry, and was satisfied to have been included in my tale, though he is hungry for vengeance.
Yet, as angry as Jerald is, his brother is even more infuriated than his brother when he heard the response of the incredibly rude Sir. Computer Prime. Herald, Jerald’s brother, is looking for excuses to hunt down the Sir. Computer Prime that is featured in this story.
A Message From Herald and Jerald
Tape monsters are evil and must be tracked down and contained, the typical age for a tape monster would be from ages 10-15, research shows that most of these are teenage males (And females.) who think messing up tape is fun. Well, News Flash, IT ISN’T! We have been assigned as the Official Tape Police, so think twice before you get tape.