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By David Hayman (8th)

Last Wednesday, billionaire Patrik Hale (Pronounced Pah-Tree) waved goodbye to dozens of members of the press, as he stepped into a cryogenic freezing tube. The tube is designed by Nintendo for some reason.

Hale is known for being wildly eccentric, with one of his most famous stunts being the time he bought every Nissan Quest on earth and launching them with a trebuchet into the Indian ocean from his aircraft carrier, formly known as the USS Nimitz, now known as the USS Hale is the best.

Hale will not leave the freezing tube until time travel is created, no matter how much time that takes. The tube includes a failsafe that, in the event of the sun's death, the freezing tube will be launched into interstellar space until it finds a time traveling alien society. The tube is also built to withstand the force of the universe collapsing in on itself, so that hopefully another universe will form in our place, and the laws of physics in that one will allow time travel to past universes.

In a press conference , Hale told members of the press, including a Daily Rubbish correspondent “I intend to warn my past self not to cryogenicaly freeze myself.” When asked why, Patrik Hale stated “I want to cause a time paradox to see what will happen to the space time continuum.”

Our writers would critisize him for risking the safety of everything that has ever existed in any universe anywhere, but if his time travel stunt works, the Daily Rubbish will be shut down.

(We predict he will have bought us in the past.)

The only way to know if his attempt has succeeded or failed is if you can read this article. But no one reads the CMS scoop page except for writers so we will truly never know.

We would also tell you more about time travel and quantum mechanics and astrophysics and all that good stuff, but your brain has already turned to half mush thinking about that.