by Evan DiFelice

Welcome back to another episode of The Daily Rubbish — and welcome back from the depths of sleep. I’m Evan DiFelice. Let’s see what’s new.

In today’s episode, we investigate the man allegedly weighing the world down all by himself: jolly old Saint Diabetus — also known as “Santa Claus.”

From questionable reindeer labor practices to annual global breaking-and-entering, one must ask: why would Santa do this? We live on Earth, for goodness’ sake. The economy is in shambles, and rumor has it that Santa himself is in debt.

Massive debt.

Reports claim the elves recently staged a strike after receiving IOUs instead of wages. Estimated unpaid compensation ranges somewhere between €1,711,800,000 and €12,840,926,595 — or, for those counting at home, roughly $2–15 billion in freedom dollars.

Apparently, productivity declined sharply after several elves consumed 22 Red Bulls and “some Monsters in the mix.” Labor negotiations are ongoing.

Ever thought Santa was debt-free? Think again. “Mr. Coca-Cola” may be swimming in red — and not the festive kind.

And speaking of red, did you know they stopped making pennies? According to a recent statement from “Mr. Orange,” the U.S. President reportedly declared:

“I HAT the shoot the when the it I hate pennies shade728njeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiu.”
(Source: iSpySMS, the Official Texting Service of the U.S., proudly owned and absolutely-not-spying LLC.)

In other international news, a bomb reportedly exploded one day ago in the newly renamed country of New New New ZealandEnglandAustralia. Officials released the following statement:

“O:IJAFJDSGKJSDLKNKJSGNKLMSRNR KN S< DK FDFn.”
— Gabriel J. Zalraksco

Mr. Zalraksco briefly entered a coma but has since recovered. Upon regaining consciousness, he clarified:

“Finland I had to when the it food I want Sandy breach the problem I want for you Sandy beach the food I food.”

Political analysts remain… puzzled.

Meanwhile, the recently passed New New New ZealandEnglandAustralia Act 42.6: The Voting of Youngs allegedly allows newborns to vote, provided they are holding a toy at the time. Critics argue this explains several recent election outcomes.

Back to Santa.

A new scientific report claims that on Christmas Day, Earth experienced 62% less gravity — approximately 3.7 septillion kilograms, or 4.08 septillion freedom tons. Eyewitnesses report seeing Santa fall off a roof, crash through a chimney, break a house, and descend directly toward the Earth’s inner core — allegedly breaking his back in the process.

Authorities confirm everyone is fine. “Christmas magic” has been cited as the official explanation.

However, a large crater now exists somewhere on the planet. If you feel inspired this holiday season, perhaps consider helping those affected by it.

Now then.

Don’t let the paper bug bite. Stay cool. And drive a dog to a window.

(You’ll understand later. Trust me.)

And that concludes this peculiar episode of The Daily Rubbish, as well as the debut article from our newest indentured ser— I mean, employee.

Welcome, Evan DiFelice.

(Editor’s note: We are absolutely firing him.)