by David Hayman (8th)

It has been three years since I published my first article, as head writer of the daily rubbish. I followed the footsteps of the hundreds of head writers before me, dating back to ancient mesopotamia. But, now, I write my final article for the news organization which dedicates itself to true, honest news. 

For your sake, I am going to make sure this article is shorter than the average Brandon Tupchong article, but that is easy to do.

In the time that has passed since my first publication back in 2021, the Rubbish has covered many historic events, such as the principal's decision to shoot down a spy balloon, which turned out to be a 6th grade science project.  There were also many unpublished articles, like one where CMS invades Canada because geese keep pooping on the sidewalk near the buses. I made some great photoshops, including one where a fighter jet is attacking a flock of geese.

That image has been my wallpaper for the past several months. 

My first true article was also unpublished. It was about new plans for, what was at the time, a school building under construction. Though, the CMS scoop censors did not allow that article to be published, because they are against the first amendment. (We wrote the constitution too.) 

I hand off my position as head writer to my successor, Benji Colcher, to ensure that the Daily Rubbish stays the longest running column in CMS scoop history. I am confident in his writing abilities (maybe) and believe that his writing will be at best equivalent to mine.

The Daily rubbish has had its lows though. Last year, we had a new enemy, the artichoke, arised. They have not yet found a successor and therefore we can confidently say the daily rubbish is victorious. Not that we had any doubt. (We have zeus on our side.) 

Well I guess this is it, my final paragraph. People around the world are bowing their heads in silence, and somewhere a military band is playing “Nearer, My God, to Thee” as an era comes to an end. Even in North Korea, a country known for its free press, people gather in the streets in honor of the moment.  Well, for the last time, this has been David Hayman, with the Daily Rubbish.