by Logan Hillenbrand (6th)

Today in Ohio, two men have come forward with an unbelievable story.

This is what they had to say:

*"We saw it—the fish with hairy legs. We tried everything, even throwing punches, but it didn’t work. It knows karate. The battle went on for hours, and just when we were at our weakest, we heard it speak Japanese: 『あなたは死ぬでしょう』 ('You will perish').

That’s when we surrendered… or so it thought. We mustered our strength and delivered a final punch to its head, forcing it to surrender instead. In the end, we adopted it and named it Shrek.

Then Dad cooked and ate him. He said it tasted like salmon… even though it was a koi fish."*

We have no words to describe this situation. Even more disturbingly, there are reports of similar encounters. Experts fear these karate-wielding fish may one day take over the world, using their super strength, incredible speed, and, of course, their mastery of karate-day.

But don’t panic just yet—our top scientist, Dr. Meme, is already working on a countermeasure. His weapon of choice? The Fart Gun, inspired by the Despicable Me movies.

"I think I’ve perfected the fart gun," Dr. Meme declared. "Since their sense of smell is stronger than ours, this should be our ultimate weapon against these bad bananas!"

With the power of human spirit (and questionable science), we may still stand a chance.

Stay tuned for further updates.