by Timothy Jung (6th)

Welcome, scoopers, to my latest article!

As war continues to rage, an interesting event is unfolding: The floor is lava! As volcanoes erupt from the rage of Hephaestus, aliens continue their march into battle.

On the human side, we lost Bob. He was a valiant warrior. His record of eaten jumbo-sized German butterflies was 300. Unfortunately, the butterflies proved to be too much. He exploded, taking out a few more foes in the process. He now forever rests in the lava below.

But what else has happened?

Meanie Bob has risen from the grave!

This evil version of Bob has even greater power—and an even larger stomach capacity—allowing him to devour some of the Greek gods of Olympus as he seeks revenge on Hephaestus.

Meanwhile, on the other side, the jumbo-sized German butterflies are now drinking wine and beer, while the planet-destroying aliens and zombie-minded pigeons have started smoking. As a result, our side is now officially taking the lead and has already begun taking over the entire quantum-verse.

And your neighbor? He’s bought another package from Amazon.

What is it this time?

It’s the all-new Action Figure Collection! Get the complete Greek gods set for $49.99, while Bob, Meanie Bob, Percy Jackman, and Isaac Newtonsburger are sold individually for around $6.99 each. Buy now while supplies last!

But wait—guess who has decided to join our side?

After taking a short field trip to the quantum-verse, the Magic School Bus has officially joined the battle after narrowly escaping the lava.

Meanwhile, an Egyptian pharaoh has been revived and is now fighting alongside Meanie Bob.

But there is yet another warrior joining the side of the aliens, zombie-pigeons, the pharaoh, and Meanie Bob…

It’s Super-Ultra-Hyper-Lion-Gorilla-Monkey-Donkey-Boy!

Of course, this is only available with the purchase of the full action figure collection.

And as of right now? Let’s get an interview with the man himself.

Interview Dude: What is it like fighting in the war?

Super-Ultra-Hyper-Lion-Gorilla-Monkey-Donkey-Boy: It’s great, fighting these pipsqueaks to earn a whole collection of action figures!

Interview Dude: Thank you for talking with us! Make sure to lose for us!

Well, that’s pretty much our show for today!

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See you next time on Weird News!