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by Andrew Zhong (8th)

In a shocking turn of events, the yearly Florida hurricane delivery has been redirected to California thanks to the extraordinary and heroic efforts of Florida’s favorite local superhero, its… FLORIDA MAN!  The ordinary hero with a crazy backstory and an even crazier criminal record has been documented as the cause of our latest blast of Florida chaos. In this most recent adventure Florida Man has once again shown you don’t need to have powers(or a normal mind) to be super.  He begins his crusade against the hurricane with his first attemp, his 100 different ways it can cause chaos, including:

  • A device that uses fire to clear grass
  • A device that accelerates a small piece of lead to supersonic speeds
  • A device that fires smoke
  • A alligator trapping kit
  • A cooker
  • A balloon maker
  • etc.

 The numerous ways in which this extraordinary invention can make trouble is truly incredible. Unfortunately, none of its extraordinary kit worked to any effect, for the hurricane was too large. His next attempt leveled up the insanity. He brought in a small company of Patton tanks rigged to fire paper towels. This attempt was somewhat successful and drained the 

hurricane of ti’s water, so when it broke land, it turned into a tornado. At this point, a fellow Florida MAn enters the scene. Florida man #2 was literally a creation of Florida man #1 and was made entirely of number 2. He visits his acquaintance, Mara Lago and is handed certain documents. From these, he builds a homemade anti- tornado cannon. The cannon works by using a spring to fire a nuke, which detonates and creates a counter spinning tornado. In this case, the cannon malfunctions and sends the tornado back to the bay. There, it went on a yooge journey and  is currently headed towards California. Upon contact, it should set off a huge tsunami which will delete orders of magnitude more people than if it had made landfall in Florida. Nevertheless, our hero is commended for his bravery and his convenient eradication of everyone in the state. Florida has apparently been converted into the Disney Solar System and is now the world’s largest theme park.  The End.