Drew Katronick (8th)

Thanks to recent investigations by 8th grade CMS student Drew Katronick, new concrete evidence has been unveiled proving William Penn didn't actually attend CMS.  Everyone at the middle school knows that William Penn was a great and accomplished student.  He was the star of the middle school’s first performances of Camp Rock and Descendants, and was also a distinguished player on the football, ice hockey, tennis, soccer, baseball, track & field, cross country and lacrosse teams.  Anyway, in his 3,609 page report on the topic, Drew briefly summarized his findings in the most succinct and concise way possible.  His claim was 12 pages long, so it is not mentioned here.

Now Scoop reporters have had an exclusive chance to interview him on the matter.  “I have been working on this case since I first came to CMS when I was in 7th grade,” Drew said proudly “and I have certainly faced a lot of opposition along the way— mainly from my history teacher, Mr. Clark.”  “You know, people just want to hang on to what they believe,” he commented, shaking his head, “In the end, I can’t really blame them— even I was surprised when I learned William Penn didn’t go to CMS.”

Luckily, the Scoop also had a chance to interview this stubborn history teacher himself.  “Hold on, man,” yelled the bald Irish man, “It’s obvious William Penn attended CMS.”  Mr. Clark continued sarcastically— “Oh, so you’re telling me we can't trust basic history,” he exclaimed.  “By questioning cold, hard facts, you’re solidifying that you don’t know anything,” he laughed, “I mean, Drew is pretty smart and all, but, you know, he needs some common sense”.

In addition, technology teacher Mr. Herod has been a staunch advocate for the resistance to Drew’s report.  When Drew asked him if he could do a segment on the next week’s CMS News about if William Penn really attended CMS, Mr. Herod just completely ignored him and made Drew leave his office.  “We just can’t circulate fake news,” later stated the technology teacher, “Deception simply isn’t right.”  Luckily, Mr. Rothstien, moderator of the CMS Scoop (the school newspaper), has allowed Drew to publish his ground-shaking report, saying “freedom of speech is essential.”

To prove his teachers wrong, Drew first consulted Dr. Kaplan.  As it turns out, Dr. Kaplan couldn’t remember a student named William Penn.  And while looking through the middle school’s archives, the secretaries couldn’t even find a former student of that famous name.  It already seemed like enough evidence, but Drew knew he would need more to convince his very misled history teacher.  “He just won’t concede,” said Drew.

But, more research has revealed another surprising truth: that William Penn lived from 1644 to 1718.  However, since Colonial Middle School was, of course, founded during colonial times, this shouldn’t present a problem.  “I mean, why else would our school district be called Colonial?” explained Mr. Clark.  “That is the most common misconception that leads to this faulty idea about William Penn!” exclaimed Drew in response, “CSD was not, in fact, founded during colonial times, and the old middle school was not built until the 1950s.”  (Dr. Christian, the superintendent of the school district, has not yet responded to an email asking why Colonial is named what it is when it was not actually founded during colonial times.)  Simple math reveals that William Penn died over two centuries before the old middle school was built.  The history teacher shrugged away this important finding— “Well, that’s why I’m not a math teacher,” he said.

But math teachers had something to say about this smug comment.  “The history teachers think they’re so much better than us,” said Drew’s math teacher, Mrs. Johnson, “I mean, why is it a surprise to them that someone who died 200 years before a school was built didn’t actually go to that school?”  “Math teachers are always so mean,” responded an exasperated Mr. Clark, tired of people questioning his beliefs.

So what do you think— was William Penn actually a student of CMS, or is his story a ridiculous, fabricated myth?  As this study has disseminated, teachers, students, staff, and administrators have begun to take sides.  Some people think that the evidence presented by Drew is unquestionable, while others remain skeptical of these findings and continue to stay rooted in their old beliefs.  Mr. Clark and a good number of other teachers remain as adamant as ever against Drew’s new findings, saying they will “never-ever-in-the-slightest-possibility- ever-sometime-never” believe what Drew has said. 

Totally coincidentally, last year, another 2,019 page report already challenged everything CES teachers and students knew (or, rather, thought they did).  This earth-shattering study proved that the Declaration of Independence was actually signed in the nearby city of Philadelphia, not in the CES auditorium.  It turns out that Thomas Jefferson’s famous declaration received its signatures inside that weird old colonial-era building called Independence Hall (at least its name makes sense now).  How surprising!

Inspired by the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern’s article: https://sites.dartmouth.edu/jacko/2019/11/18/history-department-uncovers-concrete-evidence-that-julius-caesar-was-in-fact-not-a-dartmouth-alumnus/.