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by Maeve O'Connell (7th)

 

Directly following the preppy girl phenomenon of the Stanley cup, is the current

obsession with the Owala water bottles. Shoved to the back of the cabinet, the Stanleys have been “out- preppied,” by these new water bottles that are taking middle schoolers by storm.

The Stanley cups are now filing a lawsuit against their Owala competitors with the claim of identity theft. There was a brief confusion, and the Owala water bottles seemed to have difficulty communicating with their lawyers about which Stanley cup they wanted to sue.

(To clear up any confusion: The other Stanley Cup I’m talking about is a massive ugly hockey trophy.) After all, there isn’t even that much of a size difference between the two. Though we are glad to inform you that that issue has been resolved and there aren’t any angry hockey players (anymore).

Determined to convince everyone that this is a serious issue, the Stanley water bottles attempted to bring the case to the Supreme Court, but ended up getting laughed at and humiliated. Nevertheless, the desperate water bottles found a place that would finally take up their case, it was called Wifferschnozzerton & Frizzletiffer. After reading the company's impressive feats, (Which consisted of: Reading a book, crossing the road, and even such unbelievable things like having a nose.) the Stanleys agreed that these people were truly incredible.

Meanwhile, the opposing water bottles, the Owalas were busy hiring their own extremely professional firm, Schnozzerwifferton & Tifferfrizzler. (This is totally a real thing.) Like the Stanleys, the Owalas were also struggling to be taken seriously, but their only serious supporters were the preppy girls all over the world, who knew what a real issue this was.

Since they saw how the Stanleys got rejected, they were smart enough to not make the same mistake and go to the Supreme Court.

The day for the showdown of the water bottles came upon us, and even the judges had difficulty keeping a straight face when hearing both sides. I present to you: The argument of the Owalas:

“We’re just-like, more, like, preppy.”

I present to you: The argument of the Stanleys:

“You, like, stole our preppiness. So, like, give it back.”

This earned them a couple of snickers from the amassed crowd, but now it was time for the actual lawyers to speak, but we don’t want to hear that, it’s boring.
The only notable thing about the rest of the time when the lawyers were talking is at the point when the most terrifying thing happened.

One of the Stanleys fell!

I’m not entirely sure why I’m making this out to be so shocking, perhaps it is because of the effect it had on the opposing side. After hearing a sound too terrible to describe-and yet one we all hear too much- the Owalas decided to make a spectacle of their own. Claiming that they could make a louder sound, the Owalas decided to sacrifice one of their own and run the risk that they would be dented. (Oh, the tragedy!)

Unfortunately, nobody ever found out how loud the sound was, because they were all too busy covering their ears in preparation for the horrible sound. After seeing that the surrounding people weren’t appreciating their contribution to their argument, the Owalas made the decision to escalate the statement.

There were about 20 Owalas assembled to represent the entire brand, and if you thought that hearing one fall was bad, you were in for a surprise. After the clanging, and the shouting, and the squeals of terror were all over and the dust had cleared, everybody realized that as soon as the Owalas decided to take this rash action, the Stanleys would too. Everyone in the room decided to immediately evacuate the building as fast as they could so that everyone's ears would be given time to recover from this traumatizing event.

Only about half of the people present in the courtroom were able to make it out before the Stanleys started their synchronized falling exercise. The other half of them are currently hospitalized and their ears are still recovering. As for the water bottles, since both sides suffered at least one dent per water bottle, they are also being kept in recovery centers - separate ones - of course. There, they are learning how to accept these dents as a new part of their lives, and also working on getting over the scratches - and the possible lead leakage in the case of the Stanleys.

The verdict of the judge was:

“What did you say? I can’t hear you.”

Oh well.