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by Faye Grigg (6th) 

Tragic Accident Claims the Life of Richard Cattail

Poor Richard Cattail met his untimely end at 6:00 a.m. on September 28, 2024. While crossing the road, a bright blue car struck him, ending his little mousey life. Details about Richard's past remain scarce, but he leaves behind a grieving family: his wife, Sharon Laine Cattail, and their 25 children. In Sharon’s own words, “Squeak! Mumble mumble mumble. Shriek!” Experts are still working to interpret her emotional remarks while the children sleep in sorrow.

Plans for a funeral remain uncertain, as attendance numbers are too low to proceed. Initially, the incident was investigated as a possible murder, but it has since been classified as "mouse slaughter." After all, the driver of a large blue minivan likely didn’t see the diminutive Richard crossing the road.

The real mystery lies in why Richard was wandering the streets at dawn. The answer, sadly, involves brie—a cheese that isn’t even beneficial for rodents. Apparently, Richard overindulged, leading to his unfortunate stumble into traffic.

Thus ends the story of Richard Cattail. His memory is now paired with another local tragedy: the "hummuside" of the smashed chickpea. Rest in peace, Richard.