by Alex Ammons (6th grade)
Everyone knows the soft pretzel. However, one Philly Pretzel Factory took it a bit too far.
This Saturday, a group of genetically mutated soft pretzels ravaged downtown Philadelphia, salting and biting their victims.
Police were dispatched with minimal force, and Scoop reporters were sent to the scene to interview those affected. “You know how it feels when you put hand sanitizer on a cut and it stings? That’s how it felt,” said one anonymous victim.
Homeowners were advised to close pet doors and wear shin guards. "The soft pretzels are the length of a young boy's arm," explained the chief of police.
One pretzel, placed in a kennel, was interviewed by the Scoop, stating, “You ate my long-lost-unknown-never-seen uncle!” which was interpreted to mean, “I don’t like you.”
Police immediately visited the nearest pretzel factory and reunited the pretzels with their loved ones. The soft pretzels forgave the atrocities and went on to found their own land, Pretzlandia.
In our next article, we uncover the mysterious rise in soft pretzel prices.