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by Thea Kupersmith (8th)

The Artichoke: In exclusive interview with satire column The Daily Rubbish, employees reveal favorite unbiased news sources.

In a digital world full of fake and biased news sources, it is of the utmost importance that serious news columns such as The Artichoke and the somewhat subpar Daily Rubbish continue to spread truth, albeit rather exaggerated. In an exclusive interview, Daily Rubbish employees revealed their go-to news sources for unbiased information, which they then use in their articles.

 

  • “I read between the lines of Sesame Street.”

  • “To make sure I hear no bias, I don’t speak to anyone with political views. Then I believe whatever my imaginaton comes up with.”

  • “I just let someone rant to me in the hallway for ten minutes. That usually gives me everything I need to know.”

  • “The tea leaves and tarot cards”

  • “My five-year old brother.”

  • “Oh, whatever the government says is right. In fact, they’re quite well-known for never leading anyone astray.”

  • “Well, one of these days, I’ll catch a robot spy pigeon and learn their secrets.”

  • “Yeah, wouldn’t you like to know.”

  • “Anything my aunt tells me at thanksgiving. ”

  • “I gain the truth from the wisdom of the trees, the song of the birds, the beauty of the sky, and occasionally fox news.”

  • “What? You’re writing this down? Just say anything, but make me sound smart.”

  • “Anyone who agrees with me is unbiased.”

  • “I take two sentences from opposing news outlets, and put ‘but then again,’ in between them.”

  • “I like to go through life with the mindset that everyone is evil and a liar, and that there is nothing I can do about it.”

  • “Why on earth would I want unbiased information?”

In an attempt to continue this camaraderie between satire columns, The Artichoke has attempted to reach out to the Rubbish and schedule more interviews. Unfortunately, due to the fact that they are currently in the process of appointing ChatGPT as their chief journalist, there has been no one to answer our emails.