by Thea Kupersmith (8th grade)
In an attempt to address the fatigue-ridden woes of the student body, the school board implemented a bold new policy: A designated “Nap time” to take place mid-school day. Some absolute idiots did suggest not making the students wake up at 6 AM, but obviously that idea was quickly shut down.
If students were falling asleep during Mr. Mon O. Tones lectures about the fascinating history of doorknobs, then obviously something had to be done about it. This policy was established after months of strenuous research on Yahoo.com, when the board realized falling asleep in class might possibly be linked to not getting enough sleep.
Students were instructed to BS, or Bring Stuffies. Some teachers thought the students would be “Too Cool” for stuffed animals, but it was quickly revealed that middle schoolers are, in fact, 2-year-olds at best. The teachers would not be getting a raise for overseeing more than a thousand hyper middle-schoolers trying to rest, but there would be extra coffee in the teachers lounge and free donuts on wednesday. The initiative had a promising start, but disastrous consequences quickly emerged when it came time to tidy up.
The pillows and blankets were put away without incident, but chaos soon ensued when it became time to neatly fold the fitted sheets. Although a rather mundane task at first glance, the tangle-prone elastic coupled with sleep-deprived teachers proved an exasperating task. The result was a scene comparable to a laugh-track comedy, with students and educators running frantically around the room, attempting to wrangle the sheets into something resembling a square.
The sheets were rolled, twisted, and contorted as frustration ran unchecked, with every attempt worse than the one before. Some individuals resorted to informational You-Tube videos, while many gave up completely, wadding up the sheets and tossing them in the closet. An emergency staff meeting was called shortly after, emerging with the tentative solution of mandatory fitted-sheet folding class. It would last an hour and take place during the normal school day, so lunch has been shortened to 5 minutes and teachers are encouraged to cut out any unnecessary items from their lessons, such as taxes and communication skills.
Many parents spoke up in protest of this new class, considering the extreme idea that basic literacy and communication skills were slightly more important than folding fitted sheets. However, the school board plans to continue with this, as the alternative would be to buy a new pre-folded fitted sheet every time one is unfolded. Between the $1 given the music program and the $0.50 for new textbooks, the school simply has no more money to spare.
Until results are shown, the new “Nap Time” policy is no longer established. In order to produce quicker results, the school has asked The Artichoke to provide simple, easy instructions on how to accomplish this task. You just fold this over...wait, but that part sticks out...hang on...so, you take the corners...where are the corners?...but now it’s lumpy...hold on...