by Maeve O'Connell (8th)

SUCCESSOR NEEDED

Note from the Employer:
Due to the tragic inevitability of the school system, I can no longer continue as Head Writer of The Artichoke. I’m in 8th grade, and will soon be departing the hallowed halls of CMS (finally…), but I have yet to appoint a worthy successor to carry on the Artichoke legacy—a legacy that must live on, if only to spite the hordes of Daily Rubbish staffers.

Job Requirements — You must be:

• Willing to uphold the Artichoke’s amazing legacy.

• In 6th or 7th grade.

• Absolutely hilarious.

• Able to consistently publish articles. (I’m watching you…)

• Not a member of the Daily Rubbish. (Betrayal isn’t a good look, kids.)

• Absolutely fabulous.

• Willing to make frequent references to how fabulous previous Artichoke writers were.
  (RIP Thea—taken to high school too soon.)

• An actual person. (Don’t ask.)

Required Education:
Must be a Kindergarten graduate.

Salary:
Oh, you wish.