by Timothy Jung (6th)
The Egyptian Pharaoh Seen Alive?!
Welcome, scoopers, to my latest article. And no, don’t believe any of this. This is just nonsense typed onto a piece of digital paper.
Today, we will be talking about the Egyptian Pharaoh seen alive (as shown in the title). We do not yet know who this pharaoh is, but he must have been born sometime between King Tut and the planet-destroying aliens that showed up yesterday. Of course, we know almost nothing about these aliens other than the fact that they sent this Egyptian Pharaoh and that they hate pineapple on pizza (what a shame).
Oh! And what’s this? Breaking news! We have discovered that they are secretly working for zombie-minded pigeons — yes, the type of zombie-minded pigeon that eats its own species. This species is scientifically known as Savage-birdeo. In their free time, they control aliens and pharaohs, break the laws of physics discovered by Isaac Newtonsburger, and launch each other into black holes. Sometimes I envy them.
They also use a math system called Dumbness. Dumbness is a system where you simply make up random things, such as “pizza + pineapple = angry aliens.” And why is Dumbness so great? Because that’s how the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh was created!
Oh! I’m getting more news. Hold on... Mmhmm, okay. Thank you! Apparently, the Pharaoh is stealing the laws of physics from Isaac Newtonsburger. What a crime! Meanwhile, in the aliens’ lair, they are trying to imitate their heroes, the zombie-minded pigeons, and have started eating each other. Ouch!
Hello? Anyone there? Oh well, looks like I’ve lost another man. Next!
So anyways, the Pharaoh also accidentally took some pizza for the road, but then the Greek gods decided to protect Earth for once and sent pineapples into the clouds. The rest was pretty self-explanatory. The Pharaoh was eaten by the aliens, and when the aliens discovered it was the Greeks’ fault, they traveled to Mount Olympus while the zombie-minded pigeons knocked some sense into one or two of them.
The Earth blew up, black holes shattered, and the universe exploded — and somehow we are all that is left.
What else do we have time for? Oh yeah... is pineapple on pizza really that bad?