by Liam Otero (8th)

*The Rubbish is one of our many satirical columns; the information in this article is, obviously, untrue.

Nuclear War breaks out in Aquarium, Mutated Salmon becomes Ruler of Earth

Welcome to the first Daily Rubbish article since June of 2025! And this is Liam Otero, with a satirical take on some complicated stuff going on politically. And if people are worried about that stuff, don’t worry, because I made a satirical take on it. In this story, we’re going to be looking at our new ruler of Earth, who is a 6 foot 7 inch(Don’t say it) mutated salmon, and his name is Bob.

About 2 weeks ago, The Seattle Biological Land Preserve, an aquarium in Baltimore Maryland, was thriving in business with tens of hundreds of kids going on field trips weekly. One of the most popular attractions was the Big Tank, which was home to an ecosystem of various fish and mollusks. But, there was one fish that was the aquarium's star attraction: A salmon named Bob.  Bob had colorful patterns and remarkable intelligence, far more than most salmon. His other fish peers can never be as good as him, and all the kids loved him. However, another aquarium was open nearby, let's call it the Alaskan Aqua Center(AAC). They were always having financial problems because of their rival next door aquarium. This got them angry, and one thing was behind it: Bob. The AAC hated Bob for stealing their spotlight, especially from their intelligent tiger shark, Minnow. And at this point,they were desperate.

Their animals were starving, and the broken panes of glass bills were getting higher than the actual size of the tank. The AAC knew that if the Seattle Biological Land Preserve ceased to exist, their business would skyrocket. And so, they used their advanced technology and ties with the government to devise a plan; Nuke Bob’s aquarium. 3 days later, kids were enjoying looking at Bob, and suddenly…(Wait where's the explosion sound effect? Oh come on!) Well, basically a bomb destroyed Bob's tank. Luckily, most of the kids were thankfully saved. But all that was left of the Big Tank was smoke, sand, and burned fishes. Kids sobbed and cried because of how horrible it was. Well, the Seattle Biological Land Preserve didn't really like that. 

1 week later, war breaks out in Baltimore. The country is covered in so much smoke, it makes the wildfires in California and Canada look like a stove accident. People have now evacuated from the East Side because of the immense irradiated levels. Until, a man decided to investigate the ruins of Bob’s Aquarium. Rubble and ash covered the ground he stood on, and smoke blinded his eyesight. But, he saw something breathing from the ashes. At first glance, he thought it was a man. Without any hesitation, he leaped into the ruins, attempting to get a closer look. The man's skin was covered in ash, but he was clearly breathing. He rubbed the ash off the man, when something shocked him. The man's skin was scales. He lifted the man out of the rubble, and took him to the grass. And what he saw, he couldn’t tell if the feeling of him passing out was from the ash entering his lungs, or the things his foggy eyes saw. He saw a fish. A salmon.

He realized who it was. Bob was still alive.

Now, a week later, a complete ceasefire has been ushered between the two aquariums, finally putting Baltimore in peace. Bob is now the ruler of Earth, surpassing world leaders in elections across the continents. He’s also the most wealthy and powerful creature in the universe, because he's built different now. 

And that is the end of this article, and the return of Rubbish 2025. We are still here, don’t listen to those who spread lies about our disappearance(a certain 6th grader, who lives on 445-). We are just dealing with some questionable leadership decisions, but we’ll handle it. Rubbish will go on, for forever on, for eons, grandparents centuries from here will talk about their laugh sessions of satire.

As well to that, I will be talking to our leader about successors. Anyways, adios!