by Benjamin Colcher, Leader of the Daily Rubbish

I, Benjamin Colcher, am the true leader of the Daily Rubbish.

If you’ve heard otherwise—specifically that Shawn Goretsky has been "transferred ownership" of The Rubbish—then I regret to inform you:
That’s a load of rubbish.

When David Hayman passed on the rights to lead The Rubbish, he handed me full control. Now that his permissions are gone, he has zero authority to appoint anyone else—especially not Shawn. Any article published under Shawn’s name is not affiliated with us. In fact, I propose a new name for his spin-off:
The Weekly Fibbish.

Yes, I know this is ironic coming from a satire publication, but none of their content is canon to the Daily Rubbish universe. They can slap on all the labels they want—“original,” “true,” “authentic”—but it will always be fibbish. And remember:
Rubbish always comes out on top.

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room—or rather, the lack of one. Yes, I’ll admit it: I haven’t exactly been pumping out articles. And maybe the quality has… fluctuated. But do not fear. I have a secret weapon:

The Grand Archive.
A vault of infinite satire. The Library of Alexandria meets the Library of Babel. Combined, they pale in comparison to what’s stored in the Archive. The future is bright. The Rubbish will return. And it will reign.

This summer, the Archive will grow. My younger brother, soon to join the ranks, will help build this empire. We’ll print editions. We’ll distribute them at lunch. Resistance is futile.
The Rubbish Empire expands—whether you like it or not.

And as for The Artichoke?
More like The Artijoke. Absolute garbage. Worse than Rubbish—and that’s saying something. With their leader gone… who will claim their empty throne?

We shall rise.
We shall unite.
A satirical revolution is coming.

The Rubbish will always come on top.
RUBBISH FOREVER.

P.S. The Artichoke is mid.